Smellmycheese's Blog

Archive for August 2009

Are you sitting comfortably? Then let me begin with a question:

What would you think of me if I were to say “ba boom cha!” and make a drumming motion with my hands each time I said something funny?

What if I did it each time I said something not particularly funny at all? For example: “I went to the shops today, ba boom cha!” *drumming motion with hands*.

How about if I did it after you said something not very funny at all? You: “I’m a bit tired today”. Me: “ba boom cha!” *drumming motion with hands*.

I can guess what your answer is. You’d think I was at best a humourless twat, best-avoided, or, at worst, some kind of mentally-challenged sociopath with a flimsy grasp on social norms and conventions.

And you’d be right.

Thankfully I don’t do this, however, because I am, for the most part, fairly mentally stable.

Why then, has it become acceptable for otherwise intelligent, respectable members of society, who probably don’t have families locked up in their cellars and who are mentally aware enough to get themselves dressed successfully each morning, to use ‘LOL’ at the end of every other sentence?

Just because it’s in written form, doesn’t make it okay.

lol

As far as I can see there are several reasons for otherwise normal human-beings resorting to LOL. I’ll take you through each one and tell you why they’re all wrong. (The following also applies to ROFL, LMAO, PMSL and so on and the only possible exception to these rules is if you are being ironic and witty.)

1. If you need to tell people that something you’ve said is funny, it’s not.

2. If you need to inform me I’ve done a funny, a) I know, and b) just write “ha ha”. It’s only two characters longer and has the added bonus of not making you look like a twat. 

3. If you do it at the end of an otherwise completely unfunny sentence that either you or I have written, such as the aforementioned “I’m a bit tired”, then you’re probably a bit of a mental and should seek professional help sooner rather than later.

It’s difficult for me to put into words just how much this phrase truly makes my bile rise.  The very sound of it is lazy and annoying and reminds me of chavs on buses who are unfettered by the restraints of headphones and prefer to share their jaunty basseline beats with fellow passengers.

And, speaking of which, who doesn’t love tinny bassline pumping out of a mobile phone to accompany their journey on public transport?

Best when you’ve forgotten your mp3 player or it’s just died, such soothing melodies are usually accompanied by raised conversations between charming thirteen-year-olds about how they got well mashed last night innit.

chav4

Along with the comforting scent of weed and cigarettes wafting up your nostrils, it’s like a little present from God to remind you that, yes, you are a twenty-something-year-old that still can’t drive and shouldn’t you really do something about that?

Back to LOL momentarily though and reason number:

4. Perhaps you use LOL simply as a convenient way to end a sentence and it’s just become a habit? Well, that can be easily rectified. Try using a good, old-fashioned full stop. Look, I just did it then. And again. Easy peasy, you see?

And if you’re concerned that people will think you’re a bit too serious, why not try our old pal the exclamation mark? It’s easy too! See, didn’t that just illustrate what a happy, go-lucky kind of gal I am? Thought so.

If people don’t realise you’re joking when you are, just immediately label them as stupid. That’s what I do, and I’d imagine it will get me far in life…

LOL.

If you’ve ever wished you could combine your love of Geometry with your love of food (and, let’s face it, who hasn’t) your days of waiting are finally over!

The Rubix Cubewich combines the exhilarating mathematical thrill of the Rubik’s Cube with the taste sensation that is cheddar cheese and spam in some toasted white bread.

 

rubix-cube-sandwich

“It’s the gastronomic equivalent of Pythagoras gobbing in your face”.

Gordon Oliver, top TV chef.

And, who said you shouldn’t play with your food? The Rubix Cubewich just cries out to be solved! And if you get a bit tired after all that fiddling with cold meat, just take a bite for some much-needed sustenance. It’s the snack that just keeps on giving.

You can find this and other delectable delicacies at thisiswhyyourefat.com

If you have any recipes for other snacks that educate, inform or titillate in any way, please do share them.

Bon appetit!

So, here we are, my very first blog! If you’re as excited about this as I am, and I’d imagine you are, then you may feel the need to let out a little whoop of joy. Go ahead, but I’ll restrain myself to a smug smile and a little pat on the back, I don’t want to peak too early.

Which reminds me of an interesting article I read the other day. (I say interesting, I mean not dull enough to make me poke my own ears out. I don’t read with my ears; the pain would just distract me from reading momentarily.) Anyway, it was about the fact that smiling makes you happy, which is probably the most groundbreaking bit of news I’ve heard since it was revealed that bears do, in fact, shit in the woods, rather than in public lavotories. (If you think you’ve seen a bear in a public toilet, it may have got lost on its way to its favourite dumping spot in the woods, or it may just have been an exceptionally hairy man. You can always inquire verbally, but if it’s a bear it may not answer.)

A bear, possibly shitting. Most definitely in the woods.

A bear, possibly shitting. Most definitely in the woods.

What’s slightly more interesting however, is the fact that, apparently, random acts of kindness make us unhappy.

Here’s the article for you to have a gander at: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/aug/12/uk-happiness-study

Now, my theory on this is that decent people like to help people, but we also like to receive some sort of gratitude in return, if not a small financial reward or some kind of shiny medal. And, when we don’t, it makes us sad and bitter and generally less happy than we would have been had we just not bloody bothered.

The other day, for example, I asked a blind lady if she needed a hand crossing the road. Was this because I wanted to ensure she was okay or was it because I wanted to feel smug and self-satisfied at my total selflessness? Probably a bit of both. Either way, she didn’t need help as she was waiting for a taxi. I could have offered to help her into the taxi, but that would have been overkill, not to mention fairly patronising, And besides, I had to get to Wilkos to buy some plastic cups and she didn’t look like she was going to give me either a financial award or anything shiny. She didn’t even give me eye contact. I didn’t feel less happy than I had been before though, I was too focused on the cups.

The point is, as Phoebe discovered in Friends, there is rarely such a thing as a selfless act of kindness; there is nearly always an ulterior motive. Which is why small acts of kindness can make us feel unhappy if they’re not met with at least some degree of gratitude, preferably eternal.

My advice would be to go to Wilkos and buy some plastic cups to get over it. At less than 50p for ten (and we’re talking the big ones here, not your common and garden plastic cups) you can’t go wrong, and any unhappiness you do feel will soon be overshadowed by rage as the checkout women completely ignore you and talk to one another.

That’s all for now folks, but tune in again soon for more inappropriate jokes, blowing of my own trumpet and general ranting. I will be blogging regularly as a myriad of small things annoy me, and I like to spread that annoyance far and wide.

Oh and do feel free to comment.

Tatty Bye.


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