Smellmycheese's Blog

Archive for November 2010

Hi blog readers,

Apologies for the lack of action on the blogging front for some time. No reason, I’m just a bit rubbish.

I like to imagine you’ve all been sitting at home since I last blogged, constantly hitting refresh on smellmycheese as you weep brown, crumb-filled tears onto your naked chests.

Crumb-filled because you’ve taken to comfort eating Sainsbury’s own Bourbon biscuits (40p for loads) in the absence of a new blog post from me to brighten up your day, and naked because I like to imagine you’re all fit men and, well, how else will I see fit men’s naked chests on a regular basis other than in my MIND? Well, the internet for one. But that’s not the point. Moving on…

Unfortunately, I am only too aware that two of my most avid readers are in fact my mother and my sister. Neither of whom are fit men.

But hey, at least I’ve got an active imagination. And that’s got to count for something in these turbulent economic times. Right?

Speaking of which, money’s a funny old thing, isn’t it? I was involved in a lively debate just the other day regarding a bag costing over half a grand. That’s right. A bag. One of those things you put other things in. For what equates to just under half a month’s salary for most people on an average wage and a month’s rent for many others.

Now I’m not casting aspersions on anyone here; people can do what they want with their own money. Whether that’s spending it on things to put other things in, things to put feet in or things to put feet and the things they’re in as well as things to put other things in, in. If you’ve lost me (and I can’t imagine how you could have to be honest) – things to put feet, shoes and bags in = cars and houses.

So yeah, who am I to judge? (Someone who doesn’t have much money, obviously, but that’s beside the point.)

Jennifer Love Hewitt vajazzles her va-jay-jay apparently. I vaj-don't.


Sometimes these conversations make me wonder if I am a real girl after all. Perhaps I’m a bit like Pinocchio but still all wooden. And instead of a real boy I want to be a real girl (only I don’t; it sounds expensive.) 

Evidence for why I may not be a real girl is as follows:

I enjoy getting dressed up to go out as much as the next girl, but I could not imagine spending more than £50 on shoes or a single item of clothing. Not when George at ASDA exists and sells kick arse jeans for £12.50 (seriously, they are my new best discovery and I’m determined to spread the word).

As for a bag – £30 limit (and for that price it better come with a free matching vibrator, or at least a Curly Wurly). It’s going to spend much of its short lived existence, before I lose it, on the floor of a beer garden getting ash flicked on it and beer spilt on it, so there’s pretty much no point in missing out on meals for two months in order to purchase it.

As for beauty treatments, here are my credit crunch-busting alternatives:

Eyebrow threading – I can only imagine this involves shaving your eyebrows off and then threading false ones back INTO YOUR FACE. Buy some tweezers for 99p from Wilkos instead and avoid looking like a Raggy Doll.

Manicures – simply chew your nails down until they bleed a little bit and then paint them yourself with Tippex like you did in school. The white of the correction fluid will mix with the red of your blood to create a lovely baby pink hue - bringing you bang up to date with this season’s ‘back to the cradle’ trend.  

Bikini waxing - Use a razor. The rash will fade in time. And if it doesn’t, see below.

Vajazzles (Google it) - Get some Pritt Stick and glitter and get creative at home! You can use the leftovers to add a lovely, personalised touch to this year’s home made Christmas cards.

Facials – stop being vile.

So, there you go. My post turned out to be about money saving tips and distasteful innuendo (although that last bit was to be expected to be fair. I’m nothing if not consistent.). Martin Lewis move over!

If you’ve got any top money saving tips, do feel free to share them. As long as they’re funny and preferably if they’re verging on offensive too.

Ta ta campers. And remember, anti ageing cream will not stop you getting old, but excessive drinking might.


image cred

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