Smellmycheese's Blog

Archive for November 2011

Today’s annoyances:

  • Twatty sales calls.
  • Stupid squinty mouth poses.
  • How hard it is to give blood.

Twatty phone calls

I get these a lot from people who pronouce my name in a variety of weird and wonderful ways, but today’s really took the biscuit. They got my name so wrong that it wasn’t even my name. In fact, they weren’t actually even looking to speak to me, but it was clearly my fault for not being the right person and for having my phone number. Let me clarify – here’s how the converastion went:

Caller (aka massive twat): “Hi is that Lucy Smith?”

Me : “No, it’s not, you’ve got the wrong number”

Caller: “Oh well it’s just that you’re eligible for an Orange upgrade”.

Me: “I’m not Lucy, you must have the wrong number”

Caller: “This is definitely the right number.

Me: “Well it’s not, is it…”

Caller: “Oh, sorry about that.”

Me: “You’re a twat.”

All of that genuinely happened apart from I said the last bit once I’d already hung up.

And I was probably much ruder when I first answered his initial question “Is that Lucy Smith?” and just said “No”, offering no further explanation. Because why the hell should I? You’re calling my phone, trying to flog some shit, and not even to me! So I feel no need to elaborate on anything.

God I’m hard work. Poor bastard.

Squinty pursed lip poses

Right, listen up kids under 25. I don’t know where this craze for posing with a mouth scrunched to the side and lips pursed tightly as if to resemble a small cat’s anus came from, but here’s a tip for free: you look like absolute nobheads.

Lady with cat's anus on face

It is not hot, it is not cute, it is not kooky. There’s a reason that people naturally smile when they’re happy – it looks nice and therefore expresses the nice emotions being felt (probably. I’m not a scientist.). Most people look more attractive when they smile.

Squinty pursed lip poses make you look like the aforementioned cat’s anus with a lemon inserted into it. Now which would you say looks better…?

Back in my day, we did pout for photos, but not in a weird squinty anus way. So it was slightly less lame. And we definitely smiled more than we pouted.

Someone I am friends with on Facebook, who will obviously remain nameless, does this on literally every. of her. Every one. And there are hundreds of these photos. It’s like her face is stuck to one side with that cat’s lemony anus where her lips should be, as if she is physically unable to smile. I think I saw one picture of her smiling once when she was caught off-guard and didn’t know it was being taken.

She looked liked a normal, natural human being. It was nice.

Poor girl, it’s clearly a self cofidence thing, to be so afraid to just bloody smile and look natural. But this is not a one-off incident, it’s a trend among the under 25s and it must be stopped! Does anyone know who started it? I bet it was Justin Bieber. What a cock.

How hard it is to give blood.

I’ve done this before, but shamefully only twice in my entire life. When I tried to make an appointment today I was reminded why. It’s a pain in the bloody (ha ha ha, blood pun) arse.

First, I called the fax number by mistake. Okay, so that was my mistake, but whatevs. It was irritating.

Once I got the correct number, I got an automated message saying that they were open at 12.15 on Wednesdays and Fridays. Oh. So I called back later and got through to some kind of local switchboard from which I was then put through to the specific Leeds blood donor centre I wanted.

No answer after several rings.

So I tried again later on the exact same number but for some reason, this time I got through to a national switchboard and a highly irritating Irish woman (the fact she was Irish is of no relevance) who proceeded to ask for my name, date of birth and what my address was in 2006, presumably because 2006 was the last time I successfully gave blood.

I have no idea where I lived then and couldn’t be arsed to work it out. All I want to do is make an appointment lady, why do you need all this info? Apparently so she could get into my ‘personal records’. She mentioned something about needing me to help her out with this which I found horrifically condescending and decided I definitely did not like Irish questioning lady one bit.

So I said I would just go into the blood donor centre and make an appointment that way. I didn’t. I just called back once again and got through to the local switchboard this time and the same man I’d spoken to the first time. He was friendly and Northern. I liked him much better.

I’m getting bored of this story and I’m sure you are too, but to cut a long story short (ish) I was told if I wanted an appointment on a particular day I would have to ring on the same morning. Just like the ridiculous charade we have to go through to get a doctor’s appointment these days*.

(*A rant for another day. Lucky things.)

Most people don’t bother to give blood because they reckon they’re scared of needles (wonder if they would be if their own life was in danger, or that of someone they loved…?) or, really, because they’re lazy and selfish. We all are. Just admit it.

Anyway, my point is it should be easier to be less lazy and selfish.

(Here is the website if you want to give it a go

This post is probably full of mistakes but I don’t care. I’m tired and I’m off.

Night night.

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