Smellmycheese's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘australia

I like nachos. 

I had some the other day that were top-notch; piled high with chilli (veggie, of course), salsa, sour cream, guacamole, chillis and cheese. Awesome. They made my mouth so very happy and went so very well with lots of red wine. As all things should.

This is in stark contrast to disappointing nacho experiences I’ve had in the past. The worst of which took place in Cairns, Australia (did I mention I went to Australia last year? It was great). Instead of the aforementioned delights, I was presented with tortilla chips, topped with pasta sauce, diced carrots, and peas. Yes, that’s right folks, you read right, PEAS. ON NACHOS. The sick, sick, bastards. 

If I’d wanted Doritos with Dolmio and peas, I’d have cooked for myself. 

Nachos aren’t nachos if they don’t have all the correct ingredients; they’re just tortilla chips with some crap on them. It’s like sticking a hot dog on a plate next to some ready salted Walkers, and calling it a Sunday Roast. 

She's well gutted they're not nachos.

The point being, some things need all the correct ingredients to make them work. Which leads me to the main thrust of my post (PARDON THE PUN, HA HA HA): nachos are not like sex. 

Granted, both involve peas and diced carrots more often than not. But that’s where the similarities end. 

Unlike nachos, sexual intercourse (to address it by its full name) can incorporate all the correct ‘ingredients’ and still be a disappointment, leaving you wishing you’d ordered something else entirely. 

To clarify; I don’t pay for sex. I’m just running with the whole nachos-in-a-restaurant analogy. Keep up. 

So anyway, sex. You could be given a generous portion, eat with a fantastic technique (this analogy’s totally messed up now, I’ve lost thread of who’s eating what, or whom, but I’ll battle on regardless) and you’re still left unsatisfied. 

On the flip side. A potentially less ‘obvious’ choice from the menu might turn out to be the BEST fucking meal you have ever eaten and my god, you just want to tell everyone about it. In a “hey, I had an awesome meal last weekend and, no, you bloody well can’t have any” kind of a way. 

When you try to put your finger on what made it so damn tasty, you just can’t. Suppose it’s a secret ingredient that some dishes just have

In an ideal world, of course, we’d be able to bottle this secret ingredient and carry it with us at all times, for ‘emergencies’. For those occasions when all the main ingredients are there but it’s just a bit, well, bland. 

We’d also be able to carry around guacamole, salsa, sour cream, melted cheese and chilli, for those Dorito-with-Dolmio catastrophes. 

I already do that, obviously, but it’s pretty messy; I keep getting salsa in my make-up bag and sour cream in my diary. And I smell of Mexico. 

So someone needs to invent all those things together in one non-messy formula. We could call it Nachos-on-the-go! 

You make it, I’ll name it and make us rich. 


Before you go on reading I must warn you that this blog post is going to read more like a postcard than a blog and won’t be very funny. On the upside however, it will be very short…

This morning I explored my relatives’ amazing garden and had breakfast outside, watching parrots in the trees and skinks (lizard-like creatures) by the pond. Totally chilled out and idyllic.

There’s also a venomous red-bellied black snake who likes to visit the pond and who made an appearance this morning, but he had disappeared before I ventured out for brekkie.   

In the arvo (check out my Aussie slang, I’m practically a local already) we took a trip to the beautiful (and v quiet) beach and swam in the perfectly turquoise sea.

Despite the weather (mid 30′s) there were pockets of the sea that were icy cold, apparently because of a current that comes in from Antartica. But if you’ve swam in the North Sea in October you can handle anything. (Which I have, in case you didn’t get that.) Saw lots of hermit crabs wandering around. Thankfully no sharks or jellyfish.
Then went to the local pub for a schooner of beer (between a half and a pint – we should defo have them in England) and watched the Melbourne Cup.

Yes, that’s right folks, I actually watched a game of SPORT. The Cup is a huge deal over here and, as it’s only 5 mins long, it’s manageable. If they made football matches five minutes long, I could probably handle them too. I might suggest that to Mr Fifa. Or someone.
There’s a storm a-coming apparently so may be in for a rainy one tomorrow, but after that it should be glorious sunshine again.

Once I leave my rellys’ on Sat (I don’t know if ‘rellys’ is Aussie speak, but it sounds good) I won’t be able to blog as much, if at all. Not only because I don’t know when or where I’ll get the internet access or time, but also because I’ll probably be permanently drunk. Hence the flood of blogs currently.

Toodleoo ’til tomorrow people.

So I thought I’d try and blog about my Aussie Adventures (TM) because it’s easier than emailing individual people and obviously everyone wants to hear me talk about myself some more, but from the other side of the world.

Having had less than two hour’s sleep in 24 hours I should really be in bed but am instead, selflessly writing this.

You’re welcome.

I left rainy Manchester behind at 9.15 on Sunday morning with a sense of trepidation. Mainly concerning the fact that I’m genuinely worried I’m going to get stung by one of Australia’s two deadly jellyfish, one of which gives the ‘stingee’ symptoms including “overwhelming doom and despair”, as well as excruciating pain, and death of course, if you don’t get it treated in time (vinegar apparently does the trick). Not my words folks, the words of the Australia Rough Guide.

Fun things on the plane included: being brought excessive numbers of hot lemony towels and meals. The hot lemony towels were pretty pointless but fairly inoffensive. The six meals over the course of 24 hours were much more offensive, as I’ve now negated all the months of sweating like an untrained chimp in front of Davina and Natalie Cassidy workout dvds by eating everything that was put in front of me, just because it was ‘free’ (i.e. included in the 900 quid plane ticket cost…) Willpower, what’s that?!

Second fun thing – being sat next to a chav couple. The female half of which proceeded to talk at me excessively until I blocked her out with headphones. The upside of this being I watched loads of movies, including In The Name of the Father. About the Guildford Four and starring the amazing Daniel Day Lewis. I cried lots. If you haven’t watched it then do!

After that flight and the connecting flight from Singapore to Sydney my Uncle picked me up and I’m currently at his and my Aunt’s lovely house on a mountain about two hours away from Sydney proper, where I’ll stay until I start a trip up the East Coast on Sat.

Spotted two wombats on the way – much fatter and bigger than I thought. And can hear the sound of lots of frogs around outside. Can’t wait to see it all in the daylight tomorrow!

Must sleep now. Will update again soon…

Night night from Down Under.

Disclaimer: any typos can be put down to me being jetlagged and sleep deprived. As can this blog post being a boring pile of crap.

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