Posts Tagged ‘LOL’
Happy New Year!
I haven’t blogged for some time because I’ve been having a blast in Oz. So, sorry about that, but don’t hate me because you ain’t me. Jealousy’s an ugly thing.
Anyway, what a year it’s been. Obama got elected, the recession officially ended, I bought a new coat and Jedward entered the collective consciousness like long lost twin brothers we wish our mother had aborted.
In a few short hours we’ll all be having the time of our lives, counting down to the New Year and snogging some gorgeous stranger. Either that or we’ll be necking tequila in a desperate attempt to find someone remotely attractive enough to snog at midnight because we’re nearly 30 and single and if we have to make to do with a peck on the cheek from our best mate we might cut ourselves in a depressive post-party plea for help.
By ‘we’, I mean you, obviously.
But don’t despair. If you’re too ugly/boring/smelly/short (delete as applicable) to get a snog this New Year, simply follow my fail-safe resolutions to make sure you’re a better person this time next year.
100% money-back guarantee. Send me your card details and I’ll do the rest.
- Stop using LOL, ROFL, LMAO, PMSL and so on. Just stop it. It’s not big and it’s not clever and unless used in a witty and ironic manner such as this, you sound like a twat.
- Don’t be a racist. Racists are rubbish. “England used to be great.. yada, yada, blah blah”. You’re born where you’re born by pure chance, it doesn’t make you any better than anyone else. Get over it.
- Stop watching football in pubs. It means there are certain days of the year where non-football fans, or ‘intelligent people’ as I like to call them, are unable to enter a public house for a refreshing beverage or two without the experience being completely ruined by some sweaty apes shouting and clapping at a box in the corner of the room showing flickering images. Idiots.
- Stop updating your Facebook statuses with your views on football*. For example: “Bob thought so and so was fucking terrible, what was the ref thinking, they should never have bought him off Wolverhapmton.” Or something. You’re not a footballer, manager or ref, and you’re never going to be, so stop whingeing, no one wants to hear it.
- Do not wear trackie bottoms tucked into UGG boots beyond a 100 yard radius of your home. Yes, students, that means you. And you’re fooling no one with that ‘just got out of bed’ hair. We all know you spent an hour backcombing and hair-spraying it this morning. But hey, at least you all look exactly the same!
*unless it’s to say how dull people’s obsession with it is. That’s fine.
- Drink and do drugs more. The NHS won’t be able to take the strain of all us old people in 50 years time and there won’t be enough state pension to go round, so you may as well ruin yourself now and die young. It’s the only sensible conclusion.
- Watch more reality TV. It’s good for the soul as it allows you to judge other people from the comfort of your own sofa. And you can eat crisps at the same time.
- Blog more. Everyone wants to hear your views because you are a witty and entertaining person. By ‘you’, I mean me, obviously.
If you stick to these resolutions all year I guarantee you will be a better looking, more likeable and more sexually attractive person this time next year.
No need to thank me, I know how grateful you must be.
See you in 2010 folks.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then let me begin with a question:
What would you think of me if I were to say “ba boom cha!” and make a drumming motion with my hands each time I said something funny?
What if I did it each time I said something not particularly funny at all? For example: “I went to the shops today, ba boom cha!” *drumming motion with hands*.
How about if I did it after you said something not very funny at all? You: “I’m a bit tired today”. Me: “ba boom cha!” *drumming motion with hands*.
I can guess what your answer is. You’d think I was at best a humourless twat, best-avoided, or, at worst, some kind of mentally-challenged sociopath with a flimsy grasp on social norms and conventions.
And you’d be right.
Thankfully I don’t do this, however, because I am, for the most part, fairly mentally stable.
Why then, has it become acceptable for otherwise intelligent, respectable members of society, who probably don’t have families locked up in their cellars and who are mentally aware enough to get themselves dressed successfully each morning, to use ‘LOL’ at the end of every other sentence?
Just because it’s in written form, doesn’t make it okay.
As far as I can see there are several reasons for otherwise normal human-beings resorting to LOL. I’ll take you through each one and tell you why they’re all wrong. (The following also applies to ROFL, LMAO, PMSL and so on and the only possible exception to these rules is if you are being ironic and witty.)
1. If you need to tell people that something you’ve said is funny, it’s not.
2. If you need to inform me I’ve done a funny, a) I know, and b) just write ”ha ha”. It’s only two characters longer and has the added bonus of not making you look like a twat.
3. If you do it at the end of an otherwise completely unfunny sentence that either you or I have written, such as the aforementioned “I’m a bit tired”, then you’re probably a bit of a mental and should seek professional help sooner rather than later.
It’s difficult for me to put into words just how much this phrase truly makes my bile rise. The very sound of it is lazy and annoying and reminds me of chavs on buses who are unfettered by the restraints of headphones and prefer to share their jaunty basseline beats with fellow passengers.
And, speaking of which, who doesn’t love tinny bassline pumping out of a mobile phone to accompany their journey on public transport?
Best when you’ve forgotten your mp3 player or it’s just died, such soothing melodies are usually accompanied by raised conversations between charming thirteen-year-olds about how they got well mashed last night innit.
Along with the comforting scent of weed and cigarettes wafting up your nostrils, it’s like a little present from God to remind you that, yes, you are a twenty-something-year-old that still can’t drive and shouldn’t you really do something about that?
Back to LOL momentarily though and reason number:
4. Perhaps you use LOL simply as a convenient way to end a sentence and it’s just become a habit? Well, that can be easily rectified. Try using a good, old-fashioned full stop. Look, I just did it then. And again. Easy peasy, you see?
And if you’re concerned that people will think you’re a bit too serious, why not try our old pal the exclamation mark? It’s easy too! See, didn’t that just illustrate what a happy, go-lucky kind of gal I am? Thought so.
If people don’t realise you’re joking when you are, just immediately label them as stupid. That’s what I do, and I’d imagine it will get me far in life…