Smellmycheese's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘love

 …or is that methane? It’s hard to tell. Both are overpowering, overwhelming, and closely associated with the rectal arena. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like anal intrusion, after all.

Anyway, in case you’d somehow missed it, it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. And what better time than this, the weekend of love, to reflect on something that brings us all together - religion.


Obviously it only brings together the people that happen to believe in the same God, otherwise it tends to cause a few problems. Little fall-outs throughout history, like wars and so on. But other than that, it’s most definitely a cause for good.

Of course, your God is the right one. Of course it is. How could it not be? There’s irrefutable proof for it, right? And the other ones are just stupid. I mean, not stupid, because that would be offensive. Just wrong. Although, not actually wrong, because that would be offensive too. But they must be wrong, else how can you be right? You’re not going to base your morals, values and way of life on something that’s ‘wrong’ are you? So they are definitely wrong. But not stupid. Just not as enlightened as you.

Another fantastic thing about religion is the way that you can pick and choose the bits that apply to you. People used to believe in the Garden of Eden and Noah’s Arc quite literally. But then science happened and we all realised that was slightly far-fetched. So it’s just an allegory now. The God stuff’s definitely still true though. What’s far-fetched about a ‘higher being’ that lives on some other dimension and sent down his son (who wasn’t really his son, he was sort of himself) to emerge from a virgin’s vagina, do some Derren Brown shit and teach us all about redemption? Nothing.

I like to think of religions as being like sport. There are rules in place, but you obviously don’t have to follow all of them. You just pick the ones that make the most sense to you. Football is still football even if you pick up the ball and run with it, isn’t it? You probably don’t even need a ball, or to run. You could just stand there and say you’re a footballer. What gives anyone else the right to judge you? If you say you are, you are. Just like Catholicism is still Catholicism if you don’t actually use contraception, hate gays or believe in the Holy Trinity. 

Hell, even if you’re not sure about the God bit, that’s okay too. As long as you get really offended if anyone questions your faith, then you’re off to heaven. If there is one.  And, when we say heaven, we’re not talking about people sitting on clouds with angels playing harps. That would obviously be ridiculous. No, we mean the sort of heaven that you can’t see and that isn’t really ‘there’ in a physical sense, but is definitely still there in a metaphysical sense.

I can’t wait.

Want the world to know?

Just got to let it show?

Then why not set up a joint Facebook profile!

As well as making sure everyone instantly wants to vomit in your face by demonstrating how squishy wishy and cuddly wuddly your relationship is, you can ensure that you endure maximum embarrassment when your relationship ends (which, let’s face it, it’s more likely to than not).

Not only will you have to change your relationship status from ‘In a relationship and therefore better than you, ha ha ha!’ to ‘Oh bugger, another one bites the dust. What’s wrong with me? Am I going to DIE ALONE??!!’, you’ll have the added fun of deleting your shared profile.

Like losing your car and house when you’ve already lost your marriage (probably). And all played out in front of an audience of carefully selected friends, people who you met once at a party and people who you work with but can’t stand.

Aint love grand?

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