Smellmycheese's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘New Year


Nine days into the New Year and it already feels like Christmas was an age ago. It also feels like I’ve not been paid for an excruciatingly long time, and yet there are still two and a bit weeks to go until the next pay day. Getting paid early for xmas is great n all, but not so great once you realise you’ve spent all your cash on booze, food and cheap hoes (for the garden, obv) before the 24th of December and there’s still a MONTH to go until the next pay day.

Still, I’d imagine it’s what Jesus would’ve wanted.

As well as Jesus, someone else extremely important celebrated their birthday in December. That’s right – me. They don’t call me the modern day Messiah for nothing! (They don’t call me it at all. They’re idiots.)

So now I’ve entered into my final year of my twenties. Whoop de freaking whoop.

This time next year I’ll be 30. And what do I have to show for my life so far? Not a lot. All around me people are settling down with partners, getting engaged, having babies, buying houses. All the stuff that you’ve got all the time in the world to do, until you look in the mirror and realise that you’re no longer a teenager and that ticking isn’t your watch, because you don’t own a watch, it’s your biological clock screaming “Hurry the SHIT up or you’re going to die alone with a withered womb, smelling of cat wee and desperation.”

My clock is a cruel mistress.

So then you start to wonder, have I been too rash in the past? Should I have given people more of a chance and relationships more of a go?

Just because someone’s attempts to be funny make you want to vomit violently at the sheer cringe-inducing un-funniness of it all, doesn’t mean you couldn’t learn to live with it, does it…? Just because someone’s so selfish, lazy, pretentious, boring, or a winning combo of all of the above, that you basically learn to detest everything about them and couldn’t possibly see yourself producing offspring with such a human being, doesn’t mean that you can’t make a bit of an effort so that you’re not left alone, surrounded by cat poo (to go with the aforementioned cat wee - can’t have one without the other), does it…? Just because it gets to the point where someone touching you makes you visibly cringe and leaves you wanting to scrub your skin with a wire brush and bleach, doesn’t mean you can’t just stick with it and perhaps opt for artificial insemination, does it…? And just because someone has a shrine in your honour and a tattoo of your face on their torso, well, it doesn’t mean that they’re anything other than a bit ‘keen’, does it…?

I don’t know. But I do wonder whether a great deal of people don’t settle for second best once they reach a certain age. Or has everyone suddenly and magically found the happy relationships that they struggled to find before? Do people lower their standards once they reach their 30s, or have they just got bored of playing around?

I’d like to pause time right now so I can still go off and do all the fun things I want and have all the good times I can, without the oppressive cloud of time looming over me every step of the way. That way, I’d have all the time in the world to meet the right person, without having to settle for someone who I’ll end up resenting and who I may decide to slowly poison over several months, watching their health slowly deteriorate, just as the last shards of light slowly deteriorate from my heart, leaving nothing but a small, shrivelled-up, black lump of coal.

coal aka my heart


P.S I was going to do that one-blog-post-a-day thing this year, but I didn’t.

It's 2010. Where are the flying cars?!

Happy New Year!

I haven’t blogged for some time because I’ve been having a blast in Oz. So, sorry about that, but don’t hate me because you ain’t me. Jealousy’s an ugly thing.

Anyway, what a year it’s been. Obama got elected, the recession officially ended, I bought a new coat and Jedward entered the collective consciousness like long lost twin brothers we wish our mother had aborted. 

In a few short hours we’ll all be having the time of our lives, counting down to the New Year and snogging some gorgeous stranger. Either that or we’ll be necking tequila in a desperate attempt to find someone remotely attractive enough to snog at midnight because we’re nearly 30 and single and if we have to make to do with a peck on the cheek from our best mate we might cut ourselves in a depressive post-party plea for help.

By ‘we’, I mean you, obviously.  

But don’t despair. If you’re too ugly/boring/smelly/short (delete as applicable) to get a snog this New Year, simply follow my fail-safe resolutions to make sure you’re a better person this time next year.

100% money-back guarantee. Send me your card details and I’ll do the rest.


  • Stop using LOL, ROFL, LMAO, PMSL and so on. Just stop it. It’s not big and it’s not clever and unless used in a witty and ironic manner such as this, you sound like a twat.
  • Don’t be a racist. Racists are rubbish. “England used to be great.. yada, yada, blah blah”. You’re born where you’re born by pure chance, it doesn’t make you any better than anyone else. Get over it.
  • Stop watching football in pubs. It means there are certain days of the year where non-football fans, or ‘intelligent people’ as I like to call them, are unable to enter a public house for a refreshing beverage or two without the experience being completely ruined by some sweaty apes shouting and clapping at a box in the corner of the room showing flickering images. Idiots.
  • Stop updating your Facebook statuses with your views on football*. For example: “Bob thought so and so was fucking terrible, what was the ref thinking, they should never have bought him off Wolverhapmton.” Or something. You’re not a footballer, manager or ref, and you’re never going to be, so stop whingeing, no one wants to hear it. 
  • Do not wear trackie bottoms tucked into UGG boots beyond a 100 yard radius of your home. Yes, students, that means you. And you’re fooling no one with that ‘just got out of bed’  hair. We all know you spent an hour backcombing and hair-spraying it this morning. But hey, at least you all look exactly the same!

 *unless it’s to say how dull people’s obsession with it is. That’s fine.


  • Drink and do drugs more. The NHS won’t be able to take the strain of all us old people in 50 years time and there won’t be enough state pension to go round, so you may as well ruin yourself now and die young. It’s the only sensible conclusion.
  • Watch more reality TV. It’s good for the soul as it allows you to judge other people from the comfort of your own sofa. And you can eat crisps at the same time.
  • Blog more. Everyone wants to hear your views because you are a witty and entertaining person. By ‘you’, I mean me, obviously.

If you stick to these resolutions all year I guarantee you will be a better looking, more likeable and more sexually attractive person this time next year. 

No need to thank me, I know how grateful you must be.

See you in 2010 folks.

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