Smellmycheese's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘rant

Imagine literally watching paint dry. Sitting there for, to pluck a figure out of the air, say 90 minutes, and just staring at it while someone shouted out regular updates about the progress of the paint and people occasionally clapped and cheered, at the paint.

You could have a beer or two to make it all a bit easier but, when it boils down to it, you’re still essentially just sat there watching paint dry.

How about if I said to you that this was extra special paint because it was super duper British paint and therefore you should really get into it. Pride for your country and all that.

I’d imagine you might reply with something along the lines of “the fact that it’s British paint makes no odds to me, I’m still watching paint dry. And quite frankly, this analogy’s gone on far too long. Get to the point sunshine.”

And here it is (the point, that is): to me, asking me to watch football or express any interest in it whatsoever, is the same as me asking you to sit and watch paint dry. And guess what? I couldn’t care less if it’s England playing. Just as paint drying is still paint drying, wherever the hell it happens to come from.

I’m not particularly patriotic at the best of times so the thought of loads of people shouting and clapping at a television screen, or even at real life men running around a pitch, just puts me off even more.

How exactly a group of fit fellas in shorts can inspire a sense of national pride in some fat knacker whose only form of exercise is lifting cans of Stella into his pie hole and scratching his balls, I do not know. You just happen to have been born in the same country. By chance. That’s all. It means nothing. If some other people that were born in the same country as you happen to be good at kicking an old pig’s bladder around, well what does that say about you? I’ll tell you shall I? Nothing.

I love sport, me.

I love sport, me.

That, my friends. Is why I do not give a tiny rat’s ass about football. And no, NOT EVEN IF IT’S ENGLAND.

I thank you, and good day.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then let me begin with a question:

What would you think of me if I were to say “ba boom cha!” and make a drumming motion with my hands each time I said something funny?

What if I did it each time I said something not particularly funny at all? For example: “I went to the shops today, ba boom cha!” *drumming motion with hands*.

How about if I did it after you said something not very funny at all? You: “I’m a bit tired today”. Me: “ba boom cha!” *drumming motion with hands*.

I can guess what your answer is. You’d think I was at best a humourless twat, best-avoided, or, at worst, some kind of mentally-challenged sociopath with a flimsy grasp on social norms and conventions.

And you’d be right.

Thankfully I don’t do this, however, because I am, for the most part, fairly mentally stable.

Why then, has it become acceptable for otherwise intelligent, respectable members of society, who probably don’t have families locked up in their cellars and who are mentally aware enough to get themselves dressed successfully each morning, to use ‘LOL’ at the end of every other sentence?

Just because it’s in written form, doesn’t make it okay.


As far as I can see there are several reasons for otherwise normal human-beings resorting to LOL. I’ll take you through each one and tell you why they’re all wrong. (The following also applies to ROFL, LMAO, PMSL and so on and the only possible exception to these rules is if you are being ironic and witty.)

1. If you need to tell people that something you’ve said is funny, it’s not.

2. If you need to inform me I’ve done a funny, a) I know, and b) just write “ha ha”. It’s only two characters longer and has the added bonus of not making you look like a twat. 

3. If you do it at the end of an otherwise completely unfunny sentence that either you or I have written, such as the aforementioned “I’m a bit tired”, then you’re probably a bit of a mental and should seek professional help sooner rather than later.

It’s difficult for me to put into words just how much this phrase truly makes my bile rise.  The very sound of it is lazy and annoying and reminds me of chavs on buses who are unfettered by the restraints of headphones and prefer to share their jaunty basseline beats with fellow passengers.

And, speaking of which, who doesn’t love tinny bassline pumping out of a mobile phone to accompany their journey on public transport?

Best when you’ve forgotten your mp3 player or it’s just died, such soothing melodies are usually accompanied by raised conversations between charming thirteen-year-olds about how they got well mashed last night innit.


Along with the comforting scent of weed and cigarettes wafting up your nostrils, it’s like a little present from God to remind you that, yes, you are a twenty-something-year-old that still can’t drive and shouldn’t you really do something about that?

Back to LOL momentarily though and reason number:

4. Perhaps you use LOL simply as a convenient way to end a sentence and it’s just become a habit? Well, that can be easily rectified. Try using a good, old-fashioned full stop. Look, I just did it then. And again. Easy peasy, you see?

And if you’re concerned that people will think you’re a bit too serious, why not try our old pal the exclamation mark? It’s easy too! See, didn’t that just illustrate what a happy, go-lucky kind of gal I am? Thought so.

If people don’t realise you’re joking when you are, just immediately label them as stupid. That’s what I do, and I’d imagine it will get me far in life…


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