Smellmycheese's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘religion

I’m supposed to be doing a workout DVD right now in order to get ‘beach fit’ for sunnier climes in about four weeks’ time. However, it seemed pointless. What with it definitely being the beginning of the end of the world and all.

Even if the Armageddon were not upon us (which it obviously is), chances are we won’t be able to fly anywhere any time soon anyway, thanks to some dust.

Which brings me seamlessly on to my first piece of iron-clad evidence for the impending apocalypse: volcanic ash.

Bit of a bummer really, but perhaps not enough evidence of our inevitable slide toward the end on its own. Coupled with the recent plague of greenfly that appears to have descended just this morning, however, and you can start to see why we’re definitely all going to perish.

This is Old Testament stuff, people: plagues, storms, other stuff that badly fits my ill-thought-out theory…

Such as the fact that the Tory overlords have seized power (of sorts) and we have a man with the cold, dead eyes of a killer running our finances.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer; he whose name we dare not speak.

 

Voldemort
“Smiling”
(Cover his mouth with your hand: dead inside)

 

Proof, if further proof be needed, that the world’s going to shit and we’re all just bits of soiled toilet paper being swept down the shitter with it.  

Maybe it’s time to pick a religion, just in case.  I’m not keen on Islam; the virgins bit doesn’t really appeal. Christianity’s soo 11th century, and orange and red clash terribly, so that particular branch of Hinduism’s out for me.

Might give Kabbalah a go. You get a free bracelet with it. Or maybe Scientology - seems like a pretty reasonable one. And I’ll probably meet Madonna and Tom Cruise. Maybe they’ll adopt me!

Enjoy the last few days of civilisation everybody. I’m off to make the most of one of my last nights on earth-as-we-know-it, in the same way every red-blooded female should, by getting into bed with my Bagpuss hot water bottle and listening to Radio 4.

Brilliant.

 …or is that methane? It’s hard to tell. Both are overpowering, overwhelming, and closely associated with the rectal arena. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like anal intrusion, after all.

Anyway, in case you’d somehow missed it, it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. And what better time than this, the weekend of love, to reflect on something that brings us all together - religion.

Jesus

Obviously it only brings together the people that happen to believe in the same God, otherwise it tends to cause a few problems. Little fall-outs throughout history, like wars and so on. But other than that, it’s most definitely a cause for good.

Of course, your God is the right one. Of course it is. How could it not be? There’s irrefutable proof for it, right? And the other ones are just stupid. I mean, not stupid, because that would be offensive. Just wrong. Although, not actually wrong, because that would be offensive too. But they must be wrong, else how can you be right? You’re not going to base your morals, values and way of life on something that’s ‘wrong’ are you? So they are definitely wrong. But not stupid. Just not as enlightened as you.

Another fantastic thing about religion is the way that you can pick and choose the bits that apply to you. People used to believe in the Garden of Eden and Noah’s Arc quite literally. But then science happened and we all realised that was slightly far-fetched. So it’s just an allegory now. The God stuff’s definitely still true though. What’s far-fetched about a ‘higher being’ that lives on some other dimension and sent down his son (who wasn’t really his son, he was sort of himself) to emerge from a virgin’s vagina, do some Derren Brown shit and teach us all about redemption? Nothing.

I like to think of religions as being like sport. There are rules in place, but you obviously don’t have to follow all of them. You just pick the ones that make the most sense to you. Football is still football even if you pick up the ball and run with it, isn’t it? You probably don’t even need a ball, or to run. You could just stand there and say you’re a footballer. What gives anyone else the right to judge you? If you say you are, you are. Just like Catholicism is still Catholicism if you don’t actually use contraception, hate gays or believe in the Holy Trinity. 

Hell, even if you’re not sure about the God bit, that’s okay too. As long as you get really offended if anyone questions your faith, then you’re off to heaven. If there is one.  And, when we say heaven, we’re not talking about people sitting on clouds with angels playing harps. That would obviously be ridiculous. No, we mean the sort of heaven that you can’t see and that isn’t really ‘there’ in a physical sense, but is definitely still there in a metaphysical sense.

I can’t wait.


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